How do you build confidence as a leader in any context? I’ve been reading Claim Your Confidence, by Lydia Fenet (pictured at a luncheon she spoke at – couldn’t fly in because of a winter storm but she made it happen for us and did an amazing job!). Her writing, and her podcast with the same title, has me thinking about confidence. What is it, how do we build it, how do we find it in the first place?

I had a lot of fun reading across this subject this week, and emerged with one central theme: start with confidence about your ability to build confidence, then create the conditions for confidence over the long-term:

In How CEOs Build Confidence in their Leadership, the authors argue that a focused strategy on building confidence in the outset of your role (new mother, new job, new leadership position), you set yourself up for long-term success.

First: appreciate that leadership is a journey you are at the beginning/in the middle of, a marathon. Recognize that you can’t treat everything equally – if everything is urgent, nothing is, etc. Leadership is a journey and setting the pace early and working to methodically connect with stakeholders, engage your team, and grow to what is next will help you build confidence each day at a pace you and others can grab hold of. Then, as you build a sense of priorities and vision, communicate that clearly to yourself and others. “Repetition, repetition, repetition” have a tagline or a thesis around your growth and your leadership vision, and share that early, often and with consistency:

example: “I’m learning so much in my conversations and one-on-ones that is already helping shape my vision for learning and leading as we deepen our culture of communication and growth.” Share that you are learning, share that it is purposeful, and always paint the vision in every bit of communication you provide externally and to yourself as well.

Second: invest in your own learning and consider a coach. A coach is like getting a really good mirror: they allow you to see yourselves and can push you to see things you may not have initially noticed. Research shows that building a coachee-coach relationship focused on “collaboration, reflection and goal-focused dialogue” leads to more authentic leadership behavior and effectiveness.

When you have a mirror, someone who can hold up ideas or give you space to process leadership experiences or challenges, you increase what is known as “change-oriented leadership behavior” giving the coachee confidence to innovate in their thinking and iterate in their approach to challenges or opportunities.

Why does coaching lead to a more authentic, innovative leadership? I think at the heart it is that you engage in the building the skills and that in and of itself is a confidence booster. That you don’t have to have been born with it, that failure is the journey to success, that focused attention on skills and resources to build those skills is the pathway. It’s a restructuring of thinking that you can and should be able to grow the skill of leadership effectiveness.

In my foray into coaching (I work with two women currently) I am enjoying not just the journey of helping my coachees build confidence, but building my own confidence as a coach as well.

Conversations and experiences you gain with a mirror/coach:

• Reflection with purpose: review lived-experiences – an interaction, a meeting that went very well (or not well at all!), and revisit the moves you made. Celebrate and reinforce the behaviors or the skills you demonstrated in the meeting, and get clarity on where you could have been better for the next time.
• Role-playing: I am building some of these situations out for my coachees where we will practice speeches, entrances, conversations, and focus on getting the details communicated within the wider arc of the vision or purpose of the moment. This is important: connect your how (the strategy, the path to get there) to the wider vision through language.
• Presence: understanding your impact on a room is helpful. If you are the leader, there are times to move forward with certainty, and there are times to sit back and listen. When you’re talking, you’re not learning or listening. Nothing wrong with talking, but begin aware that your voice may carry more weight because of your position or authority in a room is a good reason to use it wisely and sparingly. I am learning that each day. Silence, thinking time, listening, is a powerful way to lead as well. Then when you do have something to share or say, it is even more powerful.

Start now, start early: Studies show that leaders, particularly women in leadership (and for the record, (I think pretty much every women, mother,, friend is in leadership in one way or another!), do not feel fully “confident” until after 50. I say, let’s not wait. Yes, we all have a lot to learn, but learning is life-long, and there is so much benefit to others if you lead fully as you are now, authentically, with. Joy, as a learner and a leader. Don’t hesitate or feel like you have to wait to be and feel confident.

At the heart of this Is cultivating belief in your own abilities.

How to do this? Baby steps, but also go big when it’s time:

• Practice and do this: get to know what you really want and ask for it. A mentor who seems too far above you? Go ask for coffee. A raise? Go ask. A new position? Go ask. A friendship with a mom you keep running a lot? Ask her to be your friend. I’m serious! Ask for what you want. Be willing to compromise, but keep the vision strong as you build to what is next for your life or career.
• Keep moving forward: when you make a mistake, speak out of turn, miss the moment – whatever it is, let it go. Learn from it, ponder it, but keep pushing yourself forward without getting lost in the what ifs. I have had so many situations where I made a misstep, apologized.
• Do not take yourself too seriously – have a little fun and that really helps. Laughing, being yourself, and bringing yourself are the building blocks of feeling confident and joyful in each situation.

Remember at the core, sometimes the most important thing you can do is just take the next step. Action, then confidence. Watch yourself do something you are scared about

What helps you feel or be your most confident?