supercommunicators
by charles duhigg
At the heart of this book is the belief that communication is about connection. And building connection is about vulnerability.
Charles Duhigg believes anyone can learn to be a “supercommunicator”. He explores a wide body of research to uncover why some conversations go well, and invites the reader to think about conversations not just for what is said, but for how they make us feel. Conversations are about connection, and this book is a valuable read for anyone trying to improve personal or organizational communication.
Duhigg shares that his own failures at communicating pushed him to write the book. He helps the reader see that every conversation is really three conversations:
- What’s this really about?
- How do we feel?
- Who are we?
One of the most powerful examples in the book comes from the CIA and the way it approached recruiting. Through the experience of agent Jim Lawler, Duhigg shows how recruiting assets, working within the culture of the CIA, and excelling in the mission ultimately came down to one thing: finding ways to connect. At its core, this is about showing people that you truly care about them, and recognizing that how you communicate matters just as much as what you communicate.
How you communicate shapes how people feel about your leadership. In one example, Duhigg describes a leader who dominated conversations and, in doing so, “pushed everyone else into their own, separate thoughts.” Less dominant leaders are quicker to ask questions and focus on matching others. This, Duhigg explains, “evokes synchronization by encouraging people to match how they’re communicating.”
Communication, then, is really about telling your truth. It is about making “our own feelings more visible and easier to read.”
“I learned that if you listen for someone’s truth, and put your own truth next to it, you might reach them.”
Duhigg helps the reader see that being a supercommunicator means seeing the other side and taking on the perspective of someone who believes or sees things differently than you. This has real power to bring people and groups together. By asking questions and learning about people’s lives, you invite them to share how they feel. And “when you describe what you feel, you’re giving someone a map of the things you care about.” This is what it takes to go deep with people: “we have to make an offering of our vulnerability.”
Listening is about connecting and matching. Duhigg explores a study by Robert Provine, who wanted to understand why people laugh. He found that people laugh because they want to connect with the person they are speaking with. Laughter is “mutual playfulness,” and he discovered it is a form of “brain to brain” communication that is involuntary, direct, and real. It is a way to match and move forward together, and it is difficult to fake.
This kind of matching is powerful, and it shows people that you are truly listening.
At its core, being a supercommunicator is about finding identities we can share. Through listening, matching, asking questions, and sharing vulnerably, you open up space for real connection through shared identity. If you want people to hear what you are saying, you have to find a way to connect.
I also found the book especially helpful in its guidance on navigating conflict. Duhigg offers practical insights on structuring fights between couples and difficult conversations at home or at work, including conversations around some of the most sensitive issues of our time like sexism, racism, and gun violence. Structure matters to Duhigg. He highlights the importance of environment, expectations, and clear parameters in preserving relationships while pursuing understanding.
Duhigg concludes that there is no single way to connect with people. At its heart, communication begins with desire. You have to want to connect, want to understand, and want to go deeper. That willingness is the first and most important step.