Over the past few days, every paper I picked up had articles on friendship. Across each one is this core idea that friends take you on a journey. They help shape the winding river of our lives. Each author acknowledged the joy and the complexity of the relationships we build across our lives.
Each one acknowledged the joy and the complexity of the endeavor of making, keeping, deepening and letting go of friends.
The best line came from Laura Regensdorf in New York Times: “Friends don’t just offer support — they invite possibility.” She explores, in her February 3rd article, How to make friends as an adult, the journey how each new person you encounter is a kind of invitation to explore a new world.
This idea resonates. I am curious (low-key nosey) about everyone I meet. Some of my favorite memories from life are conversations I had at the library or on the train with someone I met even for a few moments – people that took me on a journey, a brief encounter, who I never saw again.
In the WSJ, Kate Murphy writes about the power of that initial connection – you just *know* it. You’re at a party, the words you use with the person you just met are… “exactly!!” “Same here!” This is from her January 22nd article, “Why do some people just click” which concludes that the “peculiar alchemy” of people who just connect when they meet is linked to “synchrony” – a kind of coordinated movement that takes place when people immediately connect.
“When we reflectively smile upon observing someone else’s joy, we feel their happiness.” Conversely, when you get “swept up in someone else’s drama, “we lose sight of where others and where we begin.”
She encourages the reader that you do click with someone – be aware and cultivate that relationship. It’s the people you connect with and then build beyond those initial encounters who shape us.
Lessons here around synchrony are powerful: notice when you start mirroring or matching someone – for good, and for bad. A tool called “muting” helps – don’t listen for a moment focus instead on inaudible cues. During especially fraught interactions, mute and notice how you are marching the other person’s reactions. You might need to “disconnect and recalibrate” and pull back – essentially, “snap out of it.”
On January 29th I came across a great article about a specific and growing cultural conversation: the mom group text. In “Beware of the Toxic Mom Group,” Tara Weiss acknowledges the best of the mom group – play dates, wine nights, help fight off loneliness. Especially the isolation you feel as a new mom. But what about when that very friend group intensifies feelings of loneliness or isolation: the birthday party you weren’t included on, the group photo that pops up that you’re not in. For new moms especially, who are experiencing the vulnerability, the exhaustion, these groups can also be challenging to navigate.
Noëlle Santorelli, a clinical psychologist that Weiss interviews, digs deeper into the way these groups delineate themselves – how describing friends as a village or tribe can actually be difficult as well. “People come into your life for a season.” It may not be one group for all of time and when your kids go to college “you ride off into the sunset together.” (lol)
I think the most helpful thing here is to recognize the great joy of a group of friends, but that within in-groups like this, there is potential to feel hurt as the group changes. Be open to the joy of that closeness and expansive by inviting new people in.
In “The Friendship Advice Experts Swear by” in NYT on January 27, Catherine Pearson notes that 1 in 6 Americans feel lonely, but that with a bit of effort and strategy, you can surely overcome. Practice “aggressive friendship” – initiate and follow through with people you want to connect with or cultivate. She quotes Liv Schreiber: “don’t wait, initiate.”
Other advice I loved: follow through on plans, be vulnerable, build relationships into your schedule and plans you already have. Dr. Kennedy-Moore advises against “waiting for the magical moment,” remembering: “A friend once called me at, like, 8 at night and said, ‘I’m going to Target, how about I pick you up in 10 minutes?’” she said. “And it was lovely.”
So mirroring, mom texts, and finding friends in adulthood, Target runs at 8pm..- what do we do, where do we go from here.
- I think at the core is be yourself in relationships. Matching is powerful but stay true to you.
- Invite yourself / be persistent – ok this one is good and doesn’t have to be annoying. Show initiative. And if you are throwing a party, think of a few people you can invite who are outside of your immediate circle. Immediate circles are so 2025!
- Have grace with each other. You don’t have to text back right away. You can text back next week! The best I’ve read on this is: “always assume positive intent.”
- Tune into intuition: when you meet someone who feels like you’ve always known them, explore that. Cultivate that new friendship. Go on a new journey with someone. It’s never too late to make new friends who will take you to new places!
- Expand your orbit: make friends across generations. Some of my best friends are at a completely different “stage” of life, but they are the most fun, brilliant, wise and steady people I know – calm, steady water!
Back to the best line: friends take you on a journey. It isn’t always easy or perfect, but it is so important to realize that across life, at every age and stage, every day is a possibility that you might meet and get to know someone who will shape you and show you a whole new part of the world – their world. Add a new meandering bend to the river of your life. This is an expansive way of thinking and I think that maintaining an openness to this type of possibility is ever reason to continue cultivating new friendships and to build and deepen old ones. Sliver and gold etc. etc!